Grace and Mercy

Came to hear abt Jas’s bb girl, she was born with paralyse left cheek. Tried to text her but no reply, till I met Syl. So sad, I can feel the pain she has for the little girl, heard she been crying and Syl looked tired. I used to rem how we always talk about wanting to start a family with the loved one and being up-to-date housewives. I can truly understand the fears she had when she was carrying the child.


Met eli last night, as we chat I shared with her some of my feeling over this child... like I told hb, many things can be owned by us, bearing our names. A child is someone unique because he carries the parents’ traits; I feel is something personal and close to my heart next to the marriage cert which bore our names too. Different pair of couples will have a different child; this is one of me and him. Thus I feel it is special.

I want to play my role and responsibility, and to end it well... God, I hope you be pleased with me, walking on the narrow path is hard with so many expectations, but it is a path I chose 13 yrs ago. The many decisions I made I know You are guiding and as You unfold the plan, teach me to understand and show me Your grace and mercy.

Breakaway

So happy that he got to where he is today, and he won the competition. No matter how small the award can be, I feel he has gained the recognition and affirmation from the management. Is so not easy but he did it. God, I know You have blessed him. Please continue to grant him favour at work for this is a place where I know he is happy and proud of his own achievement.


I had a surprise breakfast today! thanks so much, so sweet..

I didn’t have a good day at work, I don’t like to be clearing ppl’s shit. Yet, I have to do it again. I want to have ice cream tonight, if not I think I will really cry. I didn’t like Aug 2012, feel like taking a break and to be away for a while. So many had gone for their holidays and back refreshed.

I think it may be good for me and maybe you.

(:

I read the diary last night! Too engrossed in the memories that I didn’t know he came back from cycling.


Am bored at work, Dennis came over to disturb me. Haa I was reminded of JCD days. Though it was tough, but that’s where many memories were shared. Jeremy called me and looked for sim/wn, I asked why is he always calling me and looking for somebody else, this is so sad! Well, at least he said something humane, I am more friendly (: yea, also realised that am too friendly when I was conversing with a vendor later...

I like to have interactions with ppl, I think this is what I like my job to be. Numbers can be boring, but to switch line at this age is too risky. If I ever have a chance, I will really want to try PR related jobs. (: tonight has no plan yet, he will be OT-ing and I don’t wish to be alone. Don’t know why nowadays I found myself rather alone when I have pockets of free time. In the past, my days are always pack with activities. Maybe after married I always run back to mom’s place, but this time round I want to hang out with the old friends. I am still waiting for Elaine’s reply for dinner...

Today on my way to work, heard from the radio emcee asking how many friends do you have in your life that you are still close to? Studies from UK states that one should have more than 10 close friends esp during their mid life so they won’t develop some psychological issue (I think). Interestingly, some of the faces pop up, thought some have not met for a while, but when we meet it seems like we never left, how nice it is. I think I have more than 10, which I am very thankful for.

Always heard a song on my way to work, it set my thoughts thinking – Patti Smith, Sometimes love just aint enough. Feel like having a hug sometimes...

From the heart

It is such a dilemma that sometimes you wish for the man to be successful, yet you worry that the man will attract, like bees to honey. I sincerely wish for him to be successful and happy, but I also think he can attract, I don’t know is this a good thing. I cannot control him. Ok, I think I am jealous, but all along I am like this what, yea just maybe he doesn’t know, how to show him also? I doubt he know I find him attractive when he is focusing, such as playing the guitar or even at work.


However, I do hope that he will win this competition too. I think God has blessed him at work. God, please continue to show your grace and mercy on him. No matter what the future holds, I will be happy if he is.

My 1st Attempt

Today I cooked fried rice! I was excited, and I did it within 10mins! So proud of myself... maybe because I have known what are the ingredients I will use and the method to do it. Though is my 1st try, I think the rice may have fried for too long. I was worried about half-cook food if Law were to try, but well I already prep that he won’t be eating since he is meeting CC for breakfast and guess lunch will be a quick one for him today. Honestly, a little sad he didn’t try la, but is okie... not like is a big thing.


I had this urge for home cook food, thus I started to grow tired of outside food. I think I beginning to feel it since I read a fren’s page and she mentioned abt cooking etc. I always thought it to be difficult, but it is not! Haa, anyway I seldom have the chance to, and I think I made a mess of the kitchen today. But dad is kind, he didn’t complain but I saw him wiping something away... I always make sure I clear up, maybe is the smell. Law also said I smelled of fried rice, so sad. No encouragement today for my 1st attempt, but is okie, I know can already...

I can feel this bb only wants to eat Chinese food... hmmm... I have been craving for Chinese food, not sure what’s going to happen to my pasta at home though. (:

I hope his presentation goes well today, he really did spend much effort into it. God, I pray that You help him to focus at work and to do well for today’s presentation. Take away the nervousness and grant him the peace and a clear mind to share what he has planned.

Wn is back today. She wanted to review the whole AP maintenance process, and see what is necessary etc. I was upset! I told her we are already halfway and now want to review! What’s this! Always like that, halfway through change, I really beginning to feel I don’t like here anymore.
I want to eat nice ice cream, shall find an opportunity to enjoy at a nice cozy place after work one day.

Ice Cream

Hao xiang chi ice cream................... i want mint ice cream!! have yet to eat one to help myself feel better.
Did i mention i always eat ice cream when i am feeling low? It cools my heart and sweeten it. *yummy*

Blessings

We always talk about counting our blessings, sometimes I do thank God for small little things that happen even in the day of work. It can even be as simple as for having a peaceful day without hiccups.


I thank God for allowing me to know Him. I will always remember how I chided Marie off when she tried to introduce Him to me. Haa.. I seldom scold ppl other than GB girls, but I told her off...

I thank God for my family who dotes and loves me alot. I also thank God for the new family I have! I once read when you are feeling unloved, at least be thankful you had a chance to love; some don’t even have this opportunity. Yup, I am thankful for that, so counting back God has been kind to me too. Yup, I am still thankful for the relationship that we are working on.

Yesterday, butt shared something with me. Many decisions we made no matter how small is spirit-led. For eg, when you are full, do you still want to eat some more? NO! The spirit-led within you tells you if you continue to eat you will be overeating and consequences come – Fat, vomit etc... I never saw decision making in that light, at least not in the spirit-led kind of perspectives. I think Lawrence shared with me before during one of the bs ba, else seems like it was discussed with someone before. I think the decision to stay is a spirit-led decision, showing grace and giving space is also a spirit-led decision.

Share a song someone shared with me today... Laura Story ‘Blessings’

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Romance Love

Today i was reminded during marriage preparation, Pastor did tell us about romance love that will fade. So when it fade, what will happen? For most married couple, romance love fade maybe 1 yr later because u see each other everyday. Some maybe wont even feel the romance love fade because they may have ease through the transition.

Romance Love fades and it requires effort to be put in to build it up again. Love is not just about feeling. It entails responsibilities, trust, patience etc.. i was reminded of 1 Cor 13. Many couples will feel when romance love fades if they truely think about it, next is what? Find a new gf?

Guess for me when it fades, it becomes a responsibility for me to ensure my husband's needs are met. In sickness, in health... Or maybe I always took it upon myself it is my responsibility to ensure his basic needs are met, fed well, zzz well, doing little things for him or even serving him.

My thought...

So much thought went through my mind when I was driving.


Today I prepared breakfast, wanted to try something different. I had this urge to have a sumptuous meal and decided to spend a little effort. I knew in my heart is not because for myself, I feel I want to do something special for him.

I didn’t want to find out, but yet I want to know. I want to know how he is feeling and if he is coping well. I know truth hurts. I know. Sometimes I feel I am doing something but I dunno what the outcome is. Will it be like before? I dunno.. 2 yrs down the road, does it mean I will be going through the same thing? I felt meaningless doing the things I did though I know I have to. I felt I am the one assuring all the time, who will assure me? Felt so lonely. I nv felt like this before.

I pondered does it also mean 2 yrs down the road I may give up? The child will be 2, so what can I do? The thought of it is so scary, it makes me feel this whole thing is so selfish.

Was resolving a case I have with a colleague. Her conclusion to me is to DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. How often do we know the step we took is right or not? Is an irony. But some things I am sure there is a clear line.

What Faith can do

A beautiful song i heard as i was listening to my music at work. Somehow, it inspired me to search for the lyrics.

What Faith Can Do

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

New look for a new start..

I went to change the outlook of my blog, decided to have a fresh start for this, maybe can help me feel better.


I seem to have developed a fear for loneliness. I don’t want to be alone, be it at home or sleeping. I don’t want to have that feeling anymore. God, I never have to fear this, but now I do. Last night, I went home and was alone. What will it be like when the house comes? I don’t dare to think further

Moving on...

Mood: Moodless..
It has been a week.

I know you are trying to make it as comfortable for me as possible. Both of us knew, deep down there is a hole that we want to just hide in so nobody can find us, not doing anything and just be in daze.

I have been in daze for a while.. I still do the things I want to do, but the feelings are different, and things will not be the same again. Going to be better or worst? I really dunno..

Oi used to say whenever I am in the ‘I dunno’ mood, she will chose to leave me alone for a while, at least for that particular call she made.

Recently, been thinking abt the past, particularly from 2008, think those were my really happy moments all my life. Feeling so emo now, I know if I share, wont make you feel any better too.

God, I needed You.

i dunno what to title this...

I don’t know what to title this...


The last entry was Mar 2010, guess nobody will rem the existence of this blog, hence decided to reuse and pen down my thoughts.

I have yet to write/blog in a long while. Personally after this last entry, I switched to another combine blog to rem our wedding journey and ahead. However, it was stopped since motivation from one is tough to maintain. I browsed through my old entries, particularly the last one before I switched, I finally knew why the old hymm ministered to me and I wanted it to be included in my marriage worship, does he know?

When love is tried as loved ones change,

hold still to hope though all seems strange,

Till ease returns and love grows wise

through listening ears and opened eyes.

When love is torn and trust betrayed,

pray strength to love till torments fade,

Till lovers keep no score of wrong,

but hear through pain loves Easter song

I always felt that this song bears alot of meaning, it already tells me how difficult the journey of marriage can be. Maybe, I thought I will have a wonderful one. But I must say, I really do think I had a wonderful one until the trust was betrayed.

I felt so miserable. I really do. I know he is having a hard time too and most probably got whacked/will be by a lot of ppl. What hurts me is the truth. Is an irony that I want to hear yet I find myself biting my lips to hear? Women cant help but to compare, I don’t wish to. I felt I always wanted him to be by my side, not much expectation but just want to follow where he go and he be with me when I needed him.

This journey is so tough, the road to recovery is so hard.

God, please be near us.