My thought...

So much thought went through my mind when I was driving.


Today I prepared breakfast, wanted to try something different. I had this urge to have a sumptuous meal and decided to spend a little effort. I knew in my heart is not because for myself, I feel I want to do something special for him.

I didn’t want to find out, but yet I want to know. I want to know how he is feeling and if he is coping well. I know truth hurts. I know. Sometimes I feel I am doing something but I dunno what the outcome is. Will it be like before? I dunno.. 2 yrs down the road, does it mean I will be going through the same thing? I felt meaningless doing the things I did though I know I have to. I felt I am the one assuring all the time, who will assure me? Felt so lonely. I nv felt like this before.

I pondered does it also mean 2 yrs down the road I may give up? The child will be 2, so what can I do? The thought of it is so scary, it makes me feel this whole thing is so selfish.

Was resolving a case I have with a colleague. Her conclusion to me is to DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. How often do we know the step we took is right or not? Is an irony. But some things I am sure there is a clear line.